Lynn has been invited to write a parents' problem page for the National Childbirth Trust (NCT), and is also the resident Life Coach with Happiness: Energy & Spirit magazine.
Sample articles by Lynn:
"How can I help my shy toddler?" (written for NCT)
"Is there anything I can do about Night Terrors?" (written for NCT)
"What can I do for my toddler who is scared of the dark?" (written for Relax Kids)
"How to choose a Primary School" (written for Happiness magazine)
I have a toddler who is incredibly shy. His language skills are very developed so he is very able to tell me how he feels, e.g. "mummy I'm frightened of strangers and strange places - please don't leave me". Can you give me any ideas that I can try that will help him?
Shyness is very common in young children. The thing about shyness is that it can be as simple as having a child who is "just shy" or it could be that the shyness relates back to a specific circumstance. Whatever the reason, these ideas should help you. Also let's not forget that a certain amount of caution in children is very healthy and will keep them safe.
The Magic Button: Tell your child that they have a magic button that only you and them know about. (I usually locate it at the top of the left or right shoulder - always use the same place.) Tell them that when they press the button it can generate a certain feeling (I usually use happy or proud) and that it can make them smile. Tell them they can only have it pressed when the do something special like trying a new food or doing something they find difficult. Start to use this idea fairly regularly and use lots of praise and tell them how proud you are of them when you press the button. Watch how pleased they are. Keep reminding them that they can press the button themselves to make themselves feel happy. Keep associating the button with making them smile and eventually they will make the same association.
Then tell them that the button works really well if they try something a little bit harder like going to a place where there are strangers. Gradually build up to this e.g. start with one stranger where they don't have to speak to the person, and gradually build up to visiting new groups but only staying a short while. Remember in each situation to press the button and tell them how proud of them you are and how well they are doing. You should find that after a while you can build up to leaving them alone in a toddler group or play scheme for 5 then 10 minutes then longer as time goes on. The real key to something like this is using it on non-threatening things first, with repetition to build up the connection then very slowly and gradually building up their confidence. Never let them associate the magic button with a negative experience.
The Magic Shower: Entrances to places are really important to children. How a child feels about going through a certain entrance can be encouraging or very frightening. Start to frame certain entrances in positive ways such as the idea of a magic shower. Some very forward thinking schools are currently using this technique.
Tell them that the place you are going to has a magic invisible shower (you can elaborate here and tell them things like it showers magic fairy dust or Spiderman webs, or whatever) that showers off anything that is scary or frightening (it is very important here to use your child's words). You can also tell them that anything bad that has happened before or things that they don't like gets showered away when they walk through that door (schools use this by saying that anything that happened before children enter through the school door e.g. playground arguments or family squabbles get showered away when the children come into the school door). You could think of things that they associate with places they like going to and link that to the idea of the magic shower, for example, if they like going into their own bedroom because it has superhero's on the wallpaper (as an example) tell them the superheroes who turn invisible and work the magic shower and are there to protect them.
Children are so imaginative that metaphors work so well when you want
to help them deal with something that worries or frightens them. You can
build on the idea of metaphors and story telling by telling them a story
of a little boy called "Jonny" who used to be shy... Then add
to the story about how Jonny learned not to be shy any more. Children's
brains are very creative and they pattern match to stories in a way that
they can't react to factual information in their early years, that is
why parables, fables and fairy stories are so popular.
My two year old has started to have what I think must be night terrors. She wakes in the night screaming and seems terrified. Her speech isn't overly clear yet but she is very frightened and clings to me for ages even when she has woken up. Is there anything I can do about this?
Believe it or not night terrors work the same was as post traumatic shock!
There is a part of the brain called the amygdala and it cannot distinguish very vivid imagination (such as a dream) from reality - therefore when a baby experiences a night terror their brain and body react as though they are experiencing something real. Also, if the same dream re-occurs the brain enhances it each time making it even worse. So night terrors are an awful experience for such a young child.
There is a technique called Emotional Freedom Technique or EFT for short (explained in more detail here) which is very effective for dealing with night terrors, nightmares, fears and phobias. The level of EFT you can do depends on the age of the person it is being practiced on but it can still be very effective in calming very young children. It is also great for dealing with tantrums, fears and building children's self esteem.
It works a bit like acupuncture without needles - where the practitioner or parent gently taps on the child's energy meridians usually on the face and hands a few times each. The older the child and the more advanced their language the more you can begin to add words to the technique, known as "tapping".
For a child as young as yours just gently tap your index finger around 10 times on the following spots while gently and quietly repeating words like "don't be frightened - mummy's here" "There is nothing that can hurt you it's just a bad dream":
- Between the eyebrows
- At the side of the eyebrow (great spot for tantrums)
- Under the nose
- Under the chin
- On the collar bone
- On the Karate chop point on either hand
Repeat the same words (or whichever sentence seems to be most calming) the whole time you tap. Keep tapping on all the points using the above routing until they calm down.
The same process can be useful for teething pains!
You can work on prevention rather than cure by using the same process before they go to sleep and saying something like "I'm just going to sleep" or "I will sleep peacefully with happy dreams" while you tap.
You can prevent tantrums in the same way by doing some tapping each night
before bed and using works like "I am a very calm and happy girl"
or whichever words work for you. There are EFT practitioners who can show
you the full process (which is much more detailed) if the short cut version
described here doesn't work, but usually it will work if you persevere
and do it night after night for a couple of weeks. Don't stop doing it
just because the issue seems to have disappeared. EFT is a very relaxing
thing to do as part of a bedtime routine and a great way to help children
of all ages build confidence and self esteem.
My toddler is showing signs of being afraid of the dark. This also seems to link to being afraid of going upstairs alone or being left in her room before she is asleep. I don't want her to have fears like that sort of long term. What can I do?
If you read the last issue about Emotional Freedom Technique, that is a good thing to try because it works on so many things with young children.
Other good ideas include the use of stories (also mentioned previously): make up a story to tell her about a little girl that was afraid of the dark and being upstairs and how a special fairy looks after children in the dark. Be as creative as you can with the story and include any characters that you know she likes and put them in the story to protect the child.
When my son was very small he was afraid of gremlins and I made up a story about how when it got dark all the gremlins went to the house at the end of our street to have toast and jam and sleep by the fire with the neighbour's dog and cat so that they were far too comfortable to bother little children. It may sound strange and feel odd to do this at first but it really works with little children's brains at this stage. You can also see how by using the story I changed the gremlins from something potentially scary to something a bit humorous and interesting.
Another technique is the use of magic pixie or fairy dust. I usually use talcum powder or glitter for this idea. You make up a little spell (it can rhyme if you like) and scatter the dust in and around all the places they are afraid of. I use a toy wand to let the child wave when they say the magic words to make the spell work. The good thing about the talcum powder is that it Hoovers up really well.
My last technique is one called the magic carpet, and this can be used in some other really useful ways too (although it may be a little bit advanced in age for your toddler at the moment - but it is a great technique to be aware of). I talk about an invisible magic carpet that belongs to the child. As always with young children spend plenty of time at the outset and repetition afterwards setting the scene so that they really understand and remember how it works. Only they can see the carpet but when it is with them they are totally safe. My son actually was afraid of going upstairs for a long time especially in strange houses. He believed that as long as he had the magic carpet he was safe. I made the magic carpet a secret between him and me so he always used to whisper to me about it "mum can I take my magic carpet with me so that I am safe". For some reason the secret seemed to add to his feeling of security so I told him that no one could know about it apart from him and me.
The other really helpful way to use the magic carpet is to tell children that it is a safe place to talk to you and that if they tell you something on the magic carpet they can never get in trouble (you have to be prepared to stand by this though because if you break a rule like this with a young child they never forget) I can remember many occasions when my son told me things on the magic carpet that I don't think I would otherwise have found out about. Things that ranged from breaking his godmothers favourite pot plant to being afraid of a certain child at school who was a potential bully. There have been so many times I was grateful that I knew about this particular technique and it is another one that you can incorporate into their bedtime routine if you wish.
How to choose a Primary School
Dear Coach,
We are in the process of deciding which primary school to send our first
born to.
What advice can you give us to help us make the best decision for our
child?
This is a great question. It is one I have been asked many times and one that has no fixed answer. What is right for one set of parents may be wrong for another. What I would like to do in answering this question is give you some interesting things to consider that will help you in your research and on the visits you make to local primary schools.
The first thing I want to say is that there are two ways to look at this decision; the right brained (feeling) way and the left brained (logical) way. Both ways play a very important part! There is no right or wrong. In the columns below you can see some of the considerations that the different sides of the brain would make when dealing with this decision:
| LEFT BRAIN (LOGIC) | RIGHT BRAIN (FEELING) |
|---|---|
| What do the government statistics tell me about the primary schools in my area? | Government statistics are not always helpful because producing high grades can put unnecessary pressure on children that age |
| Which schools are in walking distance of my home? | Which schools do my friends and relatives recommend and why? |
| How much teaching experience do the staff have? | How do the teachers feel about their job and what values and beliefs do they hold about teaching young children? What new methods do they use in their teaching? |
| What is the school like inside? What type of work is displayed on the walls? | What is the atmosphere like in the school? How do the children look? How do the children respond? |
| What type of teaching plans do they use and how are they measured? | How do the teachers interact with the different types of children? How are all levels of ability considered and supported? |
When you look at the above columns you can see the different thinking styles that drive the questions and how that may affect the choice of school you make. Now that you are aware of these styles you may even recognise your own thinking preference. You may find each parent has a different preference. This can be helpful and mean that you make a very balanced decision providing you consider both points of view. There is huge value in both.
Other things to consider are: Meeting the Head Teacher, they hold the budget for the school and often decide how it gets spent. What beliefs does the Head Teacher have and what are their visions for their school currently and in the future?
Has the school achieved Healthy School Status? This means it considers and upholds a good diet and exercise programme which is included in its curriculum. How does it like parents to support the school?
Does the school use Accelerated Learning or Whole Brain Learning techniques and include things like brain gym? This type of learning stimulates all of the brain and regardless of how your child will develop their learning preferences there will be a way of accommodating them. How will the school support the different abilities of children e.g? What do they do to support the more able students and in addition what do they do to support the children who don't respond to curriculum related learning like phonics?
It is important to know the answers to all of those questions because at this early stage you won't know exactly how your child will respond to teaching styles and stimuli.
On a final note even at this early stage is it worth talking to your child because you may find that they want to go to the school that their friends from playgroup are going to. Social comfort is a very key thing at this stage in a child's life and can make a lot of difference to how they initially settle in.